Author Archives: Imogen James

I’m losing my sight but don’t tell anyone (shhh) I’m terrified! I suffer from a bad case of paranoia for everything and everyone. If things are this bad and I can see, how am I going to know if my things are in the right place and if my house is tidy to my standards more to the point if someone is trying to poison me or worse abuse me.

I will have to rely on someone for nearly everything and I don’t trust anyone.

The only way to help myself is to start trusting people now when I can see but I’ve no idea how to do that.

The obsessive compulsive disorder is a good place to start but how do you change that? I mean does it really matter if an ornament is out of place or a cushion is not straight. How to change though because if it’s not it makes me want to scream. I can’t stop looking at them and inside I scream and scream until I get up and put it right, at times it can take hours to put it right.

Still I digress, I’m supposed talking about going blind. The hospital thinks I should learn braille, a harbinger of doom, it’s made things seem so real. IM LOSING MY SIGHT!

I’ve got to get over the Agoraphobia because I need to see things and enjoy things and build memories before it is gone. It will be so sad if my last memories are the inside of this flat. I need to find a way to get outside and I’d better hurry up.

That is why this year is so important and so many other health concerns but this is a big one.

Things wouldn’t be so bad if I knew I could keep my PA but I don’t want council care as I will be so afraid and lonely.

I’m going to have to build some strategies and goals for this one, I’ll keep you posted.

For now I will leave you with this thought,

When I talk about illness I always try to think ‘the’ and not’my’ because I think it’s good to keep some separation and to not internalise the diagnosis and make it ‘yours’. I find it helps to keep some distance.

Speak soon……..

If you come across my little blog feel free to message me if something hits home.

So I’ve got 30 diagnose and it is climbing, going the wrong way but there are lots of things I can do to help myself.

My biggest disability is Agoraphobia. I’ve not been outside except medical appointments since the start of lockdown, I was shielding and I got so used to being at home all the time, alone that now I struggle to get out the front door.

Ps if you the kind of person who wants it to be grammatical and everything spelled right don’t bother with me, I’m Autistic, has ADHD and dyslexia. This is a bones and all account, I haven’t got ime to check it’s spelt right, I’m in flo state and the only things that matter to me is getting it down on my blog.

Agoraphobia

.I thought I would talk about it first. It is debilitating. I haven’t been in a shop for so long I can’t remember what it’s like and because of this I’m afraid to go in one, it’s a vicious circle.

I miss the weather (every and all weathers) and I miss hearing the birds sing. I dare t even look out of my window.

I go to bed at 6pm and wake at 2am just so I don’t have too put up with life going on around me.

Remember I said I still go to medical appointments because I have to. Well in order to do that I need a carer and I have to take sedation.

I arm myself with noise cancelling headphones and mirrored glasses (more for Autism but don’t worry we will get to that) I like to be in my wheelchair. All of these are protection. Sedation. So I can cope with the feelings and noise cancelling headphones that dull the sounds that terrify me. Mirrored glasses so noone can tell if I am giving them eye contact (Autism again) you will find that one condition has links to the others. Being in my wheelchair is like having big metal walls around me keeping me safe from other people and I can’t walk far anyway (whoops I did I again, another condition making an appearance.)

Well I’m pleased to say there is light at the end of he tunnel.

I went food shopping, only to my small local co op but I would call that a win and give myself a round of applause.

I went with my walker, it’s too small for a wheelchair and I was tired when I got home.

This week I thought I would test myself and went to Aldi!! I was terrified. I went in my wheelchair and I don’t like the wheelchair trolleys, you can’t see anything. The lights frightened me, the amount of space frihtened me and he choices of food made me feel afraid but I am going this week and the next until I’m not afraid anymore

I’ve also been to a park, something I used to love but don’t love anymore and I’m planning to goo a library soon as well.

I mean what I say, I am going to improve this year and the only person who can do it is me,

I must give a shout out to Rachel and Jackie for getting me an amazing walker, with a seat, for free. It is amazing and people are so kind.

Until next time I will leave you with this thought

If there is some thing in your life you want to change get on and do it, small steps count, the only person who can do It is you, don’t wait for other people, be empowered.

Speak soon……